The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
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Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
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Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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