Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
