So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
