I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
