I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
