Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
