I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
