Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
