Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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