shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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