I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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