tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
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