She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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