Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
