sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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