I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
