just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
