I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
