so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Randomize
