Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
