You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I didn't notice because vodka
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
