I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I want to fling myself into the sun
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
