I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
