Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
