Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
