I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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