He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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