You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
