i think i have herpe
just one?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
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