my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
