my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
