I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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