You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
