His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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