I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
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remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
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I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
My bed smells like the plague
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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