can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
