I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
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It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
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I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize