You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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