My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
