when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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