so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
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Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
being pregnant is like rehab
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
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