Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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