I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
