You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
