I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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