I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I want her autograph on my taint
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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