It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
