Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
