im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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