Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
