when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
