Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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