My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
