im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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