oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
