My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
