Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
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