someone threw a dead crab at me
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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