I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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