I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
