i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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