My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
