my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
